The Bullshit Machine That is Me
How The Sacred Mushroom helped me clear addiction.
The stories we tell ourselves and the lies that become truths — what demons can be manifested from our shadows?
I stare into the rushing current of the emerald green river. My eyes fix on the chaos of the turbulent waters, while each ray from the hot, summer sun fractures into an electric shattering of light across the powerful flow. Closing my eyes and inhaling long and deep, my prana dances up my spine in its own sparkling display. A long, slow exhale aligns my energy with the flow of the beautiful river before me and I bring my hands together in gratitude for just being, while reflecting on the previous 24 hours.
The previous night was a long one. I’d decided to consult with the mushroom about “What was next.”
Having been up at the cabin for just over a year now, I left the city after living in an urban environment for nearly 40 years. The draw into Nature was an incredible force, one which I didn’t fully understand, but followed without question initially.
Shortly after moving up here…actually the first night spent in the cabin, I began to question the sanity of this drastic move. Focusing my meditations and beginning a series of consultations with the Sacred Mushroom, led invariably to certain revelations or resolutions, helping define my path. “What was next”, became a common intention for my entheogenic journeys, as the question itself is a statement of surrender to the pending non-ordinary state of consciousness about to unfold.
With the Sacred Mushroom, the more your body, mind, and spirit are in stillness and surrender to the experience, the more profound and beneficial the outcomes. The Mushroom knows what’s best for you and its ageless wisdom delivers loving insight direct from the Collective Consciousness.
After fasting for the day, I made a lemon tek tea with 3.5 grams of dried psilocybe cubensis, which is on the high side of a medium dose for me. I took some rapeh and puffed on a cigarette of nicotina rustica to cleanse and strengthen my Being for the experience about to get underway, then thanked the Mushrooms for their love and guidance and swiftly knocked back the tea in a few chunky gulps.
Laying down, I began a body awareness meditation, focusing points of relaxation and awareness in my hands, feet, and jaw, which I’ve found to be very effective in getting into the ‘floating state’ of being with a completely quiet mind. It’s my favorite place in the world, and a perfect runway to the Mushroom Consciousness.
As the medicine came up I felt myself slipping away and the mycelium taking the wheel — gently breathing into the experience the entheogenic trance-like experience obfuscated this consensus reality and before long I was definitely not running the show. I felt the purging bubbling up from deep inside me, a common theme in my mushroom journeys, and an indicator there was energy clearing taking place, and that this wasn’t going to be a journey of iridescent unicorns and undulating rainbows. This was going to be work.
When I purge in the Mushroom Consciousness, there’s no vomit, but what comes out is more damaging and debilitating than a bowlful of undercooked Kung Pao chicken left out in the sun all day.
From processing the tragic and violent deaths of both my parents, to addressing epigenetic and intergenerational trauma and a colorful assortment of traumatic experiences throughout my youth, I’ve wretched up a lot of dark, dank shit and this was no different. Without going into any details, I proceeded to bring up a long-time addiction that had come up in mushroom journeys before but that I previously chose to ignore. I don’t know how long I purged for, but I will never forget the dramatic, violent force it took to purge and release the addiction that no longer served me.
Like a surgical procedure, the Mushroom delivered “What was next.” And after the blockage was taken care of, I came back into a semi-lucid state, enough to feel the healing that had just occurred and break into gasping sobs of gratitude, while being wrapped in unconditional love.
As the medicine wore off I was able to process what had just happened. I thought about the lies I told myself in order to keep up a practice that I knew damn well wasn’t good for me.
I would reason with myself that yes, I was on a journey of healing and spiritual ascension, but everyone has vices, so I’m good — carry on…I’m just a human after all. The Mushroom told me differently, and this time there was no looking away from the mirror. It was time to release this once and for all.
Mushrooms are very good at truth and very adept at putting things bluntly, while often framing the insights and lessons in sharp wit. This time around they thought it fitting to give my ego a tagline, as if the Mushroom morphed into the persona of some sassy junior copy writer at a Madison Avenue advertising agency. “The Bullshit Machine That Is Me”, they pronounced. I burst into uncontrollable laughter, repeating the phrase over and over, each time sounding funnier than the last — I moved from purging pariah to party of one and the rest of the evening rolled into wave after wave of gratitude for this wonderful, weird experience we call life.
The rushing river darkens as the sun slips behind the deep blue mountains. I think about my ego’s tagline and embrace it with love and humility. The shadows deepen and night descends on the forest and I acknowledge there’s a bullshit machine in all of us — it’s our ego which keeps us alive, protects us from hurt, but also hurts us and holds us back, a shining example of yet another enigmatic paradox of the human experience. Be aware, I tell myself, the ego is just a voice, it’s not your true self. And that voice? It’s often the song of bullshit that doesn’t serve you.
What does the bullshit machine that is you, tell you?
Mush love,
The Bullshit Machine that is me.
